Internet home of comedians Mark Baldwin, Brian Marr & Sean Fitzgerald

As an avid reader of the dictionary, I was surprised at the new addition of the (noun?) ‘Tallafornia’ – The spread and influence of Western Dublin Culture, esp. that of Tallaght, across the rest of the country. If it’s a verb, then I’ve certainly been Tallafornia’d, because I had to watch this piece of shit program to learn the definition in preparation for the National Spelling Bee.

Before we nose dive into the shit itself, lets take a moment to whiff the waft of pungent poop that is TV3’s answer to Fade Street, which wasn’t even a question.

Though the tabloids have fanned the flames of controversy between the two programs, they are not similar, apart from both being copies of successful MTV shows. Tallafornia is the poor man’s Jersey Shore, (a slightly real reality tv show), and Fade Street is a shadow of The Hills (a fake reality tv show).

The ‘about’ section on TV3’s website tells us ‘Tallafornia is a way of life – get ready to live it.’.

I’m not ready.

Tallaght has as much culture as the mouldy cup of soup in my room, and the idea of mould in a cup spreading across the country doesn’t worry me too much, because it isn’t going to happen.

Tallafornia is full of opposites; filmed the last summer anyone in Ireland had money, its first episode was broadcast on Christmas Eve to the nation’s new poor. The producers shouldn’t be disheartened at the average viewership figure of 164,000, as many people just had their tellys repossessed, or were out stealing presents for their children, so they couldn’t tune in to see the reason our country went to the dogs.

To hype up the show, a short web clip for each of the housemates was made. They were asked their favourite animal and colour, presumably by the toddler behind the camera.

The best by far of these is the profile for Cormac Branagan (29), clearly depressed, he says he’s ‘stuck in a rut doing the same thing every day’ in his boring alien accent. His favourite film is ‘Shawshamp Redenjun’… he’s trying to drink the sadness away.

The intro for the first episode has the cast (male and female) jiggling their boobs, holding mildly sexy things and pretending to be on the phone.

The gang survey the house they’ll be staying in, testing various beds for fuckagability, and getting as excited as the number of exclamation marks on the sign for the ‘Score Room!!!!!!!!’. I’m amazed the lad wearing sunglasses inside turns out to be soundest of the lot.

Another surprise is this one guy, Phil, isn’t as well built as the others in the house. In one telling scene he marvels at the strength of another man, ‘I could never do that, I could never, never do that…’ the camera rests on him staring sadly at a feat he can never accomplish. Incidentally he is later jocked in a jacuzzi and humiliated various times throughout the series.

So, if you’re ready to take on Tallafornia as a way of life, be prepared to move into a house with beefheads and slappers, get with a girl ten years younger than you (if you’re Cormac), try and out-do others by eating way too many eggs, and demand the person shopping for you to buy obscene amounts of tuna and lube.

Still, the show has value as a documentary of stupidity and extravagance, like watching the Hindenburg burn.

Last Friday on Tallafornia, viewers got to see the first televised vajazzle in Ireland. It was Natalie’s present to her vagina on its 22^nd birthday. With the passage of years, and like paint peeling from the bow of the sunken Titanic, the last fake crystal will peel from the vagina of Natalie’s bloated corpse and the shreivelled beef curtains will close on her life as we try to forget this ever happened.

-Brian