What do YOU do to Feel Special?

With today’s homogenisation and the overarching feeling on earth that our lives are meaningless, it’s very hard for the individual to ever feel truly special. So we sent a reporter to hit the streets and ask “What do YOU do to feel special?”

In restaurants, I like to complain. Most people would accept a base standard for their Big Mac. But I will not. If it looks like a bap filled with green toilet paper then the lackadaisical workers will have to try again and again and again until it passes my test.
Fortuna Brave, Mortgage Specialist

I like to save numbers into my phone with names like “Big Tits”. Any rubber-neckers on the bus will think I’m getting a call from a right knock-out. Little do they know it’s just my bank calling after another missed payment.
Dennis Bhag, Aspiring Bigshot

I like to spill stuff in other people’s houses. I’d never think of doing it at home as my mother would kill me. But as a guest, I love the feeling of willfully knocking over a mug of tea. The guest will never have to clean it up so I’m on cloud nine as I watch the host, get on their knees and mop it up. I feel like a King or Queen.
Jo, gender withheld

I like to find small flaws with women that walk by me and mentally dismiss them from my imaginary bed. Only the best will ever make it and get to bounce with this titan.
Pat Fahey, Bouncing Castle Driver

I like to put myself in debt buying the latest must-have item the internet or co-workers tell me to get. I was very poor growing up and I swore that once I was old enough to have an overdraft I was going to deny myself nothing.
Martina Matonga, Manager of Duty-Free Boutique

When we’re told to turn our phones on silent to not disturb a meeting or performance, I’m the first to take my phone out, only I higher up the ringer to the max. And then it’s all eyes on me when it goes off. I feel just like a rapper at an awards show.
Sam Weisz, Lead Strategist

I like to bring the paper into the bathroom with me. I love when people look at me with sympathy thinking I’m afflicted with constipation. They’ve not a clue I’m knocking out a nut at the young wan on Page 3. Teehee.
Fred Estate, Telephone Pole supervisor

Ugly People’s Opinions on: Sugar Tax

This tax doesn’t just mean we’ll be saving the kiddies’ teeth. But also the lives of the Dentists. It’s a dark truth that their profession are the most likely to top themselves. Here’s to the tooth-smiths living long lives.

At first I was worried that Apprentice UK star Sir Alan Sugar was been taken to task by the Queen’s Revenue. But I was soon relieved that it wasn’t a millionaire getting taxed but the poor that are partial to a sweet drink. I slept soundly that night. Albeit shivering with the cold and riddled with anxiety at my outstanding debts.

I just have to laugh when I think of how sugar tax will affect Cotton Candy. These funfair people have never paid a penny of tax and they ain’t going to start anytime soon. Or has a cow jumped over the moon?

Is no one worried about retaliation from the kids come Hallowe’en time should the sugarful sweets be replaced with tasteless raw carrots? It’s Trick or Treat! And a lot of these kids (mainly those from low income estates) have nothing but an education in destruction. And we just got the windows done!

As a lonely bachelor that lets his dreams get away from him I’m very much on board with this taxation. Living in an apartment complex I am always expecting the hot birds next door to be calling in to “borrow some sugar” which as everyone knows is code for a kiss, a gobble and a wobble. With the price hike I expect more and more stacked and sugar starved stunners to be gracing my front door.

Gossip #2

Our snoopers have been sniffing and sifting to bring you the juiciest pieces of Celebrity Gossip out there. Remember you’ll always hear it first, on the site that’s the worst – SillyBeggar.com

Clint Eastwood
Sources can confirm Craggy Cowboy, Coffin-Dodger Clint has now also forgot how many bullets are in the chamber. And this time it’s not a ploy to put the shits up some punk. Old age is wreaking havoc on his memory. Just don’t forget you’re an amazing actor and father of some talented actor boys.

Will Smith
Fresh from playing the much rubbed lamp’s genie in Aladdin, Will has picked up a few lamp wishes himself. Or should I say has picked up a few lamps from Wish.com (Asian Wholesaler). Why he hasn’t gone on Alibaba.com and played up the Aladdin reference more is lost on your dear reporter.

Usain Bolt
Jamaica’s World’s Fastest man Usain has really drop the ball (baton) on the thorny issue of Steroid Abuse. When a throng of reporters questioned him as he drove out of his Villa home he said “Get out of my Whey”. Tsk tsk tsk! Whey Protein Powder is a much used supplement for athletes and many experts see it as a gateway to the more dangerous and effective anabolic steroids. I feel his gold medals don’t shine so brightly anymore.

Nicole Kidman
Someone might have had a major case of baby brain after giving birth to daughter Sunday Rose Kidman Urban. Yes Sunday Rose was born on a Monday. The estate’s lame response that the name is “inspired” by famous Australian art patron Sunday Reed is a bit like locking the gate after the horse has bolted. You fucked up here Kidman.

Neil Armstrong
As the legend goes it was supposed to be Buzz “Buzzboy” Aldrin as the first gent on the moon but he was Strong Armed by a certain Armstrong. Buzz was duped into checking if his fly was down and once distracted Neil dived out the rocket door and made that garbled speech. Buzz still rues to this day and the fact that with the low gravity on the moon it’s impossible for one’s flies to be down.

Emma Watson
For someone that makes a big show of feminism you will be shocked to learn that Ms Watson doesn’t follow back my sister or my mother on twitter. Two of the key strong women in my life, yet not good enough for Chris Watson’s little girl to click a “follow” button for. As they say, there’s a special spot in hell for bold little girls like you Emma.

Justice – Your View

We’ve asked the public what THEY think of justice, here’s what they had to say that was legible

They say justice is blind yet why do I always get caught sleeping during my court cases?

If we want to clean up the crime on the streets than we have to “clean” up the streets. I’m talking flower boxes, painted barrels and life-affirming graffiti. And better still if we outlaw frowns and moping than these ne’er-do-wells will have no choice but to be positive members of society. And then we all prosper

There’s always justice under my watch. I’m an indie, new rave DJ from 2007-2009 and the hit D.A.N.C.E by the French dance duo Justice is a bankable mainstay of my set.

Our system of justice is based on the foundations laid by Plato. Come on. Why is some dusty-footed faffer in a toga having a say that I can’t park outside a hospital? Can we get a grip here?

When I was eight my bike got stolen. I never got it back. Justice was no where to be seen for forty years. As a result I had no qualms with shooting my neighbour’s barking dog last night

The Judge I had was banging a mallet calling for “order”. I was aghast. I banged my knife and fork on the table in Nando’s waiting for my order once and was quickly told by my date that my behaviour was “out of line”. I’m not asking for much but equality

They say illegally downloading movies is illegal. Well I think Hollywood pretending that life has happy endings is more illegal

When I look up at cranes and rooftops these days and see nothing I’m warmed. No longer are there middle aged men in cheap superhero costumes with banners to see their kids. It worked, the fathers got their justice. No more will kids grow up with out Daddy in their lives. Just goes to show we’re not so bad a species after all. Or the security are extra vigilant for men with spider-man suits trying to get access to the top floors. It’s one or the other

I was at a pub ordering a whisky on the rocks and the bar lass asked did I want a whiskey with justice. I welled up. My grand-father (a drinker) had been shot nine times in Hitler’s war and we’ve never received as much as a “soz” from any serving German Chancellor. It just goes to show that you never should give up hope. My wife then explained that she meant a “whiskey with just ice” as opposed to one with a mixer. I prefer my version of events.

The Rile Up

What’s gotten YOU angry this week?

I can’t stand all these so-called “Celebrities” on tv who are famous for fuck all. I can sit on my fat arse and spit at the telly with my ugly family just as good as any of them wankers on Gogglebox. But where’s my national adoration? Where’s that? I’ll tell you where it ain’t: At the bottom of me vodka bottle. But fuck me if I’m not going to keep looking.

Sorry Pixar. But I do not want my child thinking there’s little people living inside his head. What destructive nonsense. It’s just him, and him alone, in his head with God and the Devil.

To that pox faced swine in The Porter House. When I ask for a Jameson I clearly mean Jameson Black Barrel. You’re insinuation that I would mean the bottom shelf shite was insulting. As a result I kicked the shit out of your Dyson Air Dryer and I hope it was relayed back to you that you were culpable.

Harry Potter and that bitch J.K Rowling has a lot of explaining to do. All of a sudden my kid expect to be taught how to read. I’m sorry but didn’t Video kill the Radio Star? And an equivalent to books and netflix?

Have you any idea the lengths I’ve gone to get my hair the way I want it. And then some fucker, God who will remain nameless decided to bucket down a load of rain on me. I looked like a drowned rat and there was no chance I was going to take any selfies that day.

Every time I drive passed the Google building in my taxi I wish I could throw a brick through every one of it’s windows for putting that picture of me doing a naked somersault online. Everyone thinks I’m a loser no matter how many times I comment back. To set the record straight: The photo was taken by a girl that I wanted to impress sexually.

Scrag Supper – #01

Every week we send out a delicious meal of Scrag, Chips and a Drink. All you gotta do is tell us why you deserve it with #ScragSupper

I’ve always wanted to meet a couple called Kate and Sidney to convince them to make Steak and Kidney pies. Until then can I have a Scrag Supper?

Most planes I’ve been on have had a ridiculous queue for that little room you get to wank in. Is it like that in First Class too or do they get a Pleasure Booth each? If so I might start having to save up

I hear the jails are getting cramped. I blame these long winded “police interviews”. There was a time when a sock full of golf balls would do the trick. Is it not time we brought back the Truth Whip?

Speaking about remembrance, my father went blind in a mustard gas attack during the Great War. But he was one of the lucky ones. He doesn’t have to see the mess Ireland has become

I was told that when you get a dose of the sweats out of the blue then that means someone is pissing on your grave

If we can get seedless grapes then surely we can get pineapples without those holes in the middle

I’ve just read a poem that didn’t even rhyme. And I thought poets couldn’t get any lazier

I think that making the packets of smokes dark green isn’t going to stop smokers. They need to shape smokes like dicks to embarrass the lads and lesbians. And for girls and gays? They could shape their’s like mini flesh-lights

The circus is in town. Can you think of a bigger waste of time? Don’t they know we can stay at home and watch Cirque du Soleil online? And we don’t even do that cause it’s a load of shite

Rap RIP

As the moon completes another cycle we must mourn another spate of dead Soundcloud Rappers. They shone ever so bright before they were cruelly taken from us to the most I of VIP parties; the afterlife. But they will be mourned by their followers, their crews and, mostly, by their over eager investors. Their corpses aren’t feeding worms for they are collaborating and fronting now on the right side of Jesus. We will remember you all by the tracks you’ve left online. And until the servers are disconnected we will always remember you. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Rap in Peace.

Lun Cha Bull

Gunned down when a game of Uzi Hide ‘n Seek went wrong. Cha Bull will be remembered for his catchphrase “Gimme that on a burger” which sent the world alight briefly in 2017

4tune @son

Born the son of Florida Senator 4tune@son hit it big in his early teens when he started throwing wads of cash out his window as he’d do laps of the nighbourhoods. His breakthrough hit “Hoes E.A.” featured in an ad for AdamandEve. As well as attack ads against his father

Daisy Chain$

The Emo-Rap Suicide Queen, Daisy Chain$, famed for her albums “Whortless”, “Otto eRotica” and “R U GDPR Cumplyent?” was sadly killed when a lighting rig fell on her while shooting a Music Video where she was crying black tears. Her management are working on touring the footage to fulfil her commitment to art, music and ticket holders

CoNtxt $en$it!v€

Tennis mad CoNtxt $en$it!v€ (21), perhaps best known for his beefs with Pi$$pondant and Huge Bone Villa, died of dehydration after falling asleep in a Jacuzzi filled with champagne. He’ll be missed by his two kids: Racket and Ball. His management have said they’ll be taking his ashes to the place he always dreamed he’d go to one day, the Wimbeldon Centre Court.

Ugly People’s Opinions on: Chemical Warfare

I aspire to write headlines and I think there could be something there with “in our mist/ midst”. It’ll come to me fully once I see the photos.

I’d be all for it. I was the best in my swimming class at holding my breath so the gas will have no affect on me.

Poison gas has the potential to kill thousands of people although it’s very imprecise and requires a lot more testing. I think they should release clouds at Ed Sheeran concerts to get a better gauge of what it can do. With snipers on stand by should some be immune.

My major worry would be all those hard working workers in the Bullet Factories being put out of a job.

We could use it for good too. Fly a crop-duster over the disadvantaged area and spray them with Omega 2 andt Cod Liver Oil and watch them become hard working entrepreneurs.

Nihil by Mouth

What would our Nietzsche would say if he could see our Modern Mess?

Meghan Markle? Considering that the “Royals” corpses will be eaten by the same worms it makes no difference

Hilary Clinton’s Book? It was a book on failings. Just like every other book.

The Popes Visit? I saw it as an opportunity for him to die in a plane crash. Maybe next time.

Black Panther? It wasn’t great but set up enough for Avenger 3 which was much better.

Flossing? Of all the things with do of no merit, this is one of them.

Friends Reunion? I like the Gunter character

Krispy Kremes? Tax on idiots.

Car Pool Karaoke? I only hope to live to see this die.

Yeezy Runners? Don’t let overpriced shoes distract you as you shuffle off this mortal coil.

Dirty Dublin – Doggers Dish Der Dirt

Latest figures indicate that Dubliners have ditched the bed for a bedding in the ditches. But what makes rutting in the woods, alley ways and behind skips so much more appealing than a bedroom with the Love Zone on the Radio up and the blinds down? We hit the streets to find doggers with their lights on and stuck our dictaphone in their sweaty faces to ask What’s it all about?

“If I was to do it in me bedroom, at the volume that comes naturally to me, I’d not just wake up my kids, it’d be the neighbours’ kids too and me Ma in the granny flat”

“I want to feel pretty and having a circle of wanking men slowly encroaching on your personal space can make a girl feel very special indeed”

“For me, personally, it’s about getting in touch with my ancestors who didn’t have fancy caves or feather beds. If they needed to have at it they’d to get their knees mucky. I’m just honouring their legacy”

“It’s become ritual for me now to have a snack box then spaff with a stranger by the bins in my flats. I then get double use from the wet-wipe and head home to bet on the Horses in China”

“You get to meet new people. Just last week there was this guy with an English accent and the most unusual welts on his lob-on. I’d never seen such a sight before”

“Everyone else is paying for pints to get their end away with a stranger. Me? I just need some petrol and a few johnnies that I swiped from the student unions”

“I’m a very smelly and lazy man. And I find you never stink that bad in comparison to the reek of cow shite and rotten hay of a lay by”

“It’s every girls’ dream to be taken in the woods by the light of a phone, with pine cones in her hair and the sound of an engine running”

” If you want to be boring then be boring, eat your bland rice, wear your beige shirt and tick your boxes. I’d rather live life and nothing beats the thrill of having a wank on the train tracks at night”