Scrag Supper – #03

Every week we send out a delicious meal of Scrag, Chips and a Drink. All you gotta do is tell us why you deserve it with #ScragSupper

One morning, while I was still in bed, I heard the screams of someone being attacked. The next day I found out it was the Gym Class next door. But now I know that had it been an attempted murder I’d have stayed in bed. What a coward. Any chance of a supper?

I approached a girl in a pub and said she was a “Pig”. And before I could explain that it meant “Pretty Irish Girl” I was wearing her Malibu and Diet Coke. Surely I deserve a Scrag Supper.

To the lady who fell asleep on the plane and thought that a kid had stolen her Honey Nuts. It was me. I’d like her to get a scrag supper. And also to the kid that got an awful hiding from his Da.

To those fine folks in advertising. If it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t know what I like, who I was or what my life goals should be. They really aren’t paid enough in my opinion. Thanks guys.

I found the key to a better life. Just ask yourself: If you were to die tomorrow how would you wank today?

There’s a lot of talk now about the types of toys we should let kids play with. Should we have girls’ toys and boys’ toys? Well back in my day, we were too poor and I got neither and had to play with the dirt. Any chance of a bitta grub to treat me now?

I managed to use the jax in Brown Thomas without buying a single overpriced thing. Let me say it was the height of luxury but the deed was as pleasurable as if I’d shat in a bin. I’m glad of the experience but also glad that it hasn’t changed me.

I often think that we’re like robots. Or me anyway. Only instead of Duracell Batteries, I run on cans of budget beer. Beep Beep Lad-Bot! Any chance I could line me stomach?

I was really looking forward to Hallowe’en and all the dressing up parties until I remembered that I’ve no mates. Giz a birra Scrag.

To me Ma that I slagged off for watching Jeremy Kyle every day. But now years later I have also grown bored of all other media too except for good auld Jezza. So sorry. Save us a chip Ma.

I found out a way to feel hallowed when you’re low. Just have a few cans outside a church. All the auld wans will bless themselves as they pass you like you’re something of a saint.

To my wife who realized I plagiarized our vows. I stole all the words from an episode of Four Weddings Australia. I didn’t mean any of it, especially the “Love you unconditionally” bit. I have many conditions, like giving me a moment’s peace when Sky Sports News is on.

To Anthony McGuire the talent agent. I’ve never seen better tribute acts. You should all check out The Faux Fighters, Melting John and The Rolling Smokes.

I’d like to give a home-cooked meal to all of the socially malformed castoffs on Reddit. Maybe some warm wholesome food instead of the processed shite they do be eating might calm their rage and bitterness a bit.

WINNING LETTER

I want to apologise to that Hen Party that was drinking outside a Pub in Temple Bar. I was in a bad mood. I shouldn’t have burst your cock balloons with my smoke. Have a plate on me.

Formula Pun – #01

There’s been some Vroom-belivable puns speeding around the course this week.

Who is the best Italian actor to burn a CD? Robert de NERO

How do you drive out of a field of sheep? A ewe turn

What does Berlin singer Terri Nunn say to the wait staff when she’s on the Atkins diet? Take my bread away

What the difference between a bodybuilder and someone who won’t take the stairs up to the top floor? One lifts weights and the other waits for lifts

What’s a dog’s favourite whiskey? Jack Spaniels

How does a Rasta exercise? On a Dreadmill

What do you call a light-fingered funeral director that’s also a pirate? The Plunder-taker

What did Joe Goddard, Alexis Taylor, Al Doyle, Sarah Jones, Owen Clarke, Felix Martin, Grovesnor, Charles Hayward have for dinner? Hot Chips (they all were or are members of keyboard band Hot Chip)

If you listen to NPR while you sleep at night you’ll be WOKE in the morning

The Pits-Stop for Dirty Jokes

Did you hear about the poor prostitute, she was living Gland to Mouth

The Internet has more porn than you can shake your stick at.

Where can you get shoes for your dick? A Knob Cobblers

Are you chatting to a Cam Girl or a Scam Girl?

Not a day goes by without news breaking about another poor wanker getting rinsed out of their hard-drawn dole by a scammer masquerading as a sweetheart. They may be able to live with the financial loss, the embarrassment and the degradation but you’ll never come to terms with the heartbreak. To try, as we might, to combat the suffering SillyBeggar.com has compiled this helpful advice:

If she asks if you’d like to pin her down … she might be a Cam Girl
If she asks what your PIN code is … she might be a Scam Girl

If she shows you her boob … she might be a Cam
If she calls you a rube … she might be a Scam Girl

If she says she’ll take off her dress … she might be a Cam Girl
If she asks, repeatedly, for your address … she might be a Scam Girl

If her chat is illicit … she might be a Cam Girl
If her chat is elicit … she might be a Scam Girl

If she wants you erect … she might be a Cam Girl
If she wants your diRECT debit set up … she might be a Scam Girl

If ever asks you to send money just remember the acronym “SNERLY” – She’ll Never Ever Really Love You.

What do YOU do to Feel Special?

With today’s homogenisation and the overarching feeling on earth that our lives are meaningless, it’s very hard for the individual to ever feel truly special. So we sent a reporter to hit the streets and ask “What do YOU do to feel special?”

In restaurants, I like to complain. Most people would accept a base standard for their Big Mac. But I will not. If it looks like a bap filled with green toilet paper then the lackadaisical workers will have to try again and again and again until it passes my test.
Fortuna Brave, Mortgage Specialist

I like to save numbers into my phone with names like “Big Tits”. Any rubber-neckers on the bus will think I’m getting a call from a right knock-out. Little do they know it’s just my bank calling after another missed payment.
Dennis Bhag, Aspiring Bigshot

I like to spill stuff in other people’s houses. I’d never think of doing it at home as my mother would kill me. But as a guest, I love the feeling of willfully knocking over a mug of tea. The guest will never have to clean it up so I’m on cloud nine as I watch the host, get on their knees and mop it up. I feel like a King or Queen.
Jo, gender withheld

I like to find small flaws with women that walk by me and mentally dismiss them from my imaginary bed. Only the best will ever make it and get to bounce with this titan.
Pat Fahey, Bouncing Castle Driver

I like to put myself in debt buying the latest must-have item the internet or co-workers tell me to get. I was very poor growing up and I swore that once I was old enough to have an overdraft I was going to deny myself nothing.
Martina Matonga, Manager of Duty-Free Boutique

When we’re told to turn our phones on silent to not disturb a meeting or performance, I’m the first to take my phone out, only I higher up the ringer to the max. And then it’s all eyes on me when it goes off. I feel just like a rapper at an awards show.
Sam Weisz, Lead Strategist

I like to bring the paper into the bathroom with me. I love when people look at me with sympathy thinking I’m afflicted with constipation. They’ve not a clue I’m knocking out a nut at the young wan on Page 3. Teehee.
Fred Estate, Telephone Pole supervisor

Ugly People’s Opinions on: Sugar Tax

This tax doesn’t just mean we’ll be saving the kiddies’ teeth. But also the lives of the Dentists. It’s a dark truth that their profession are the most likely to top themselves. Here’s to the tooth-smiths living long lives.

At first I was worried that Apprentice UK star Sir Alan Sugar was been taken to task by the Queen’s Revenue. But I was soon relieved that it wasn’t a millionaire getting taxed but the poor that are partial to a sweet drink. I slept soundly that night. Albeit shivering with the cold and riddled with anxiety at my outstanding debts.

I just have to laugh when I think of how sugar tax will affect Cotton Candy. These funfair people have never paid a penny of tax and they ain’t going to start anytime soon. Or has a cow jumped over the moon?

Is no one worried about retaliation from the kids come Hallowe’en time should the sugarful sweets be replaced with tasteless raw carrots? It’s Trick or Treat! And a lot of these kids (mainly those from low income estates) have nothing but an education in destruction. And we just got the windows done!

As a lonely bachelor that lets his dreams get away from him I’m very much on board with this taxation. Living in an apartment complex I am always expecting the hot birds next door to be calling in to “borrow some sugar” which as everyone knows is code for a kiss, a gobble and a wobble. With the price hike I expect more and more stacked and sugar starved stunners to be gracing my front door.

Gossip #2

Our snoopers have been sniffing and sifting to bring you the juiciest pieces of Celebrity Gossip out there. Remember you’ll always hear it first, on the site that’s the worst – SillyBeggar.com

Clint Eastwood
Sources can confirm Craggy Cowboy, Coffin-Dodger Clint has now also forgot how many bullets are in the chamber. And this time it’s not a ploy to put the shits up some punk. Old age is wreaking havoc on his memory. Just don’t forget you’re an amazing actor and father of some talented actor boys.

Will Smith
Fresh from playing the much rubbed lamp’s genie in Aladdin, Will has picked up a few lamp wishes himself. Or should I say has picked up a few lamps from Wish.com (Asian Wholesaler). Why he hasn’t gone on Alibaba.com and played up the Aladdin reference more is lost on your dear reporter.

Usain Bolt
Jamaica’s World’s Fastest man Usain has really drop the ball (baton) on the thorny issue of Steroid Abuse. When a throng of reporters questioned him as he drove out of his Villa home he said “Get out of my Whey”. Tsk tsk tsk! Whey Protein Powder is a much used supplement for athletes and many experts see it as a gateway to the more dangerous and effective anabolic steroids. I feel his gold medals don’t shine so brightly anymore.

Nicole Kidman
Someone might have had a major case of baby brain after giving birth to daughter Sunday Rose Kidman Urban. Yes Sunday Rose was born on a Monday. The estate’s lame response that the name is “inspired” by famous Australian art patron Sunday Reed is a bit like locking the gate after the horse has bolted. You fucked up here Kidman.

Neil Armstrong
As the legend goes it was supposed to be Buzz “Buzzboy” Aldrin as the first gent on the moon but he was Strong Armed by a certain Armstrong. Buzz was duped into checking if his fly was down and once distracted Neil dived out the rocket door and made that garbled speech. Buzz still rues to this day and the fact that with the low gravity on the moon it’s impossible for one’s flies to be down.

Emma Watson
For someone that makes a big show of feminism you will be shocked to learn that Ms Watson doesn’t follow back my sister or my mother on twitter. Two of the key strong women in my life, yet not good enough for Chris Watson’s little girl to click a “follow” button for. As they say, there’s a special spot in hell for bold little girls like you Emma.

Justice – Your View

We’ve asked the public what THEY think of justice, here’s what they had to say that was legible

They say justice is blind yet why do I always get caught sleeping during my court cases?

If we want to clean up the crime on the streets than we have to “clean” up the streets. I’m talking flower boxes, painted barrels and life-affirming graffiti. And better still if we outlaw frowns and moping than these ne’er-do-wells will have no choice but to be positive members of society. And then we all prosper

There’s always justice under my watch. I’m an indie, new rave DJ from 2007-2009 and the hit D.A.N.C.E by the French dance duo Justice is a bankable mainstay of my set.

Our system of justice is based on the foundations laid by Plato. Come on. Why is some dusty-footed faffer in a toga having a say that I can’t park outside a hospital? Can we get a grip here?

When I was eight my bike got stolen. I never got it back. Justice was no where to be seen for forty years. As a result I had no qualms with shooting my neighbour’s barking dog last night

The Judge I had was banging a mallet calling for “order”. I was aghast. I banged my knife and fork on the table in Nando’s waiting for my order once and was quickly told by my date that my behaviour was “out of line”. I’m not asking for much but equality

They say illegally downloading movies is illegal. Well I think Hollywood pretending that life has happy endings is more illegal

When I look up at cranes and rooftops these days and see nothing I’m warmed. No longer are there middle aged men in cheap superhero costumes with banners to see their kids. It worked, the fathers got their justice. No more will kids grow up with out Daddy in their lives. Just goes to show we’re not so bad a species after all. Or the security are extra vigilant for men with spider-man suits trying to get access to the top floors. It’s one or the other

I was at a pub ordering a whisky on the rocks and the bar lass asked did I want a whiskey with justice. I welled up. My grand-father (a drinker) had been shot nine times in Hitler’s war and we’ve never received as much as a “soz” from any serving German Chancellor. It just goes to show that you never should give up hope. My wife then explained that she meant a “whiskey with just ice” as opposed to one with a mixer. I prefer my version of events.