Scrag Supper #02

Every week we send out a delicious meal of Scrag, Chips and a Drink. All you gotta do is tell us why you deserve it with #ScragSupper

I love the symmetry of life. We’re brought into this world by storks and I just heard about a man up by the canal that passed out and was pecked to death by swans.

When will this “Craft Beer” nonsense end? Last year I was at a festival and found a half-full pint someone had left behind. I realised why they’d abandoned it. It tasted like warm piss. Artisan hops my hairy arse.

Guess what I found in my packet of peanut M & Ms? A bunch of air. I was absolutely livid.

Those wacky hippies are always giving out about the posh going on fox hunts. Don’t they get it? The posh have a bloodlust. Would the rather they kill the foxes or hunt us, poor people? Thought so.

I wish all these radicalised nutjob terrorists would just put down the guns and bombs and pick up the little pens on strings and vote every four or so years when we’re asked. It’s the only way we’ll ever make a change. That has been my Plea for Civility.

We’ve heard of “Too Posh to Wash” but in my home town, it’s more like Too Poor to Pay for Basic Provisions.

I found a unique way to add a bit of “fun” to the bedroom. I get in the bed upside down! It’d be some hoot for my girlfriend to come in and see a pair of feet on the pillow had she not left me years ago for my lack of ambition.

I wanna thank the woman on the bus last Thursday evening for sharing her bag of chips with me. I was starving and felt close to fainting. Oh, I’m sorry, she didn’t even have the basic decency to offer me one. I’m telling you it’s Dog Eat Dog out there not Man Eat Chips.

Have you heard about “Paternity Leave”? Why should my taxes pay for some Johnnie Dodger to get two weeks off to watch cartoons and gawp at his missus’ big tits as she nurses some brat? Whereas I’ve got to work every day like a criminal. My crime? Being repulsive-looking to women.

They say if you do a job you love you’ll never work a day in your life. Well, I broke both my legs when I jumped out the top window of a bus cause the conductor came up the stairs when I was seventeen and I’ve not had to work a day in my life. Where’s that in your sayings?

I was accused of having used bad language at work. I only swear when I’m angry or need an extra second to think of the fucking word.

Isn’t it about time we got HD displays on the Real Time bus display things? I mean it looks like it’s got the resolution on a tamagotchi. Do we really want to paint the image for tourists that we’re Paddy Whacking Paupers?

As a depressive, I find it insulting that cyclists in their Hi-Viz vests value their lives over mine.

Mark my words the next referendum for equality will be for those deviants that dress up as cartoon foxes and wank each other off. I pray I’ll be dead by then.

I’ve more than enough shite to be dealing with than this “politics” crap. Just tell me who to swear fealty to and let me get on with my day.

I wish those YouTubers would realise they could cut out a lot of “ado” if they stopped saying “without further ado” before every single video. Just open the bleeding box.

I think this gym “fad” needs to end. If you really wanna lose weight fast then get on the scales right after a massive shite.

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. But for me, the skyrocketing prices of GP visits keep me far from the medical centre.

WINNING LETTER
I heard that we’ve taken more photos in the last 200 years than in the 200,000 years before that. These fucking millennial should be ashamed of themselves.

If I live until tomorrow it’ll be the longest I’ve ever been alive. And having a scrag feast would give me what I’m missing, a reason to live for tomorrow.

I think Shane Richie should have been the new Doctor Who. And I’m not saying that just cause I’m his agent. I’m saying it as his hungry wife.

Why do they always sell Chicken Kievs in twos when I live alone? Messed up maths madness.

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