Rosé Buds by Tiffany Swank ((S)exclusive extract)

Tiff Swank has got it all, only the universe hasn’t decided to give it all to her just yet. But she’s a fighter and she’ll work as hard as she can to get it. And by work she means being an absolute superstar and attending the best parties their are in Dublin City (southside obvs). If this opening chapter doesn’t get you racing to the shops to by the full book than you probably have a screw loose and most likely need a wash too.

Chapter 1
The Morning After

I don’t know how gay lads do it. I’ve enough trouble getting jizz out of my bed and hair after a nocturnal romp with ONE erupting cock. They’ve to clean up from two. And that’s at least. Most of them have a general admissions policy on their beds. Chat to any queer, jiggling his denim hot-pants-ed arse on a dance floor, and they’ll tell you that if they bring home just one lad they might as well as be wanking solo.

Himself from last night had bolted pretty much after our entwinement. And that’s fine with me. He was nothing special. I like big men. This was a boy. It’s like eating an egg when you really want a cooked chicken. But food is food and girl ya gotta eat.

I doubted there was anything in the fridge. I was supposed to do the shopping yesterday after work but being a wicked alco bitch I just went to Liza’s, my mate’s gaff, with three bottles of rosé. And bubbles destroy troubles. We changed into something less dull and zigzagged to the club, Bernardo’s. We’d been going there since our tits were big enough to impress the doormen. Bernardo’s is like a home for me. Some culchies would be all onion-breathed in exclaiming Croke Park their home. But for me and the girls, it’s Bernardo’s. Remember that show Cheers and they’d say the pub is where everybody knew your name. Well in Bernardo’s everyone knows my name, what I drink and for the half of them, what me minge and hole look like.

Liza is a beast of a woman. Don’t get me wrong she’s a total slut and an excellent pal but she’s built like a carnival strong man. I’ve seen her lift bar stools over her head and fling them at a gang of cowards that called her a cow. That’s a real woman, someone that can fight their own battles. Just a fyi, if you want to avoid a conflict with her just always buy an extra portion of chips “for the table”. But I love her to bits and pieces. And we’ve made a pact that if we’re both still single in ten years time we’ll les up as a pair a gash hounds. It was supposed to be a joke but she’s taking it seriously. She’ll sometimes not shower or shave and wear them caterpillar boots. Cool the jets hun, we’re not dykers yet.

Saturday mornings always made me feel like a tampon machine in the ladies that’d after been kicked to shit to ruffle the coins out of it. I felt spent and hollow. I rifled the bed for my phone, I wanted to text Liza to hear about the narrow rip of piss she brought home last night and guilt her to call over here with remedies and pizza. And what’s more, I wanna tell her all about the goss from last night. It’s Earth-Shattering! I don’t know much about politics or science but what I know about who is who in Dublin and this IS A GAME CHANGER! That cow will not want to miss this. No one would!

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Formula Pun – #01

There’s been some Vroom-belivable puns speeding around the course this week.

Who is the best Italian actor to burn a CD? Robert de NERO

How do you drive out of a field of sheep? A ewe turn

What does Berlin singer Terri Nunn say to the wait staff when she’s on the Atkins diet? Take my bread away

What the difference between a bodybuilder and someone who won’t take the stairs up to the top floor? One lifts weights and the other waits for lifts

What’s a dog’s favourite whiskey? Jack Spaniels

How does a Rasta exercise? On a Dreadmill

What do you call a light-fingered funeral director that’s also a pirate? The Plunder-taker

What did Joe Goddard, Alexis Taylor, Al Doyle, Sarah Jones, Owen Clarke, Felix Martin, Grovesnor, Charles Hayward have for dinner? Hot Chips (they all were or are members of keyboard band Hot Chip)

If you listen to NPR while you sleep at night you’ll be WOKE in the morning

The Pits-Stop for Dirty Jokes

Did you hear about the poor prostitute, she was living Gland to Mouth

The Internet has more porn than you can shake your stick at.

Where can you get shoes for your dick? A Knob Cobblers

Scrag Supper #02

Every week we send out a delicious meal of Scrag, Chips and a Drink. All you gotta do is tell us why you deserve it with #ScragSupper

I love the symmetry of life. We’re brought into this world by storks and I just heard about a man up by the canal that passed out and was pecked to death by swans.

When will this “Craft Beer” nonsense end? Last year I was at a festival and found a half-full pint someone had left behind. I realised why they’d abandoned it. It tasted like warm piss. Artisan hops my hairy arse.

Guess what I found in my packet of peanut M & Ms? A bunch of air. I was absolutely livid.

Those wacky hippies are always giving out about the posh going on fox hunts. Don’t they get it? The posh have a bloodlust. Would the rather they kill the foxes or hunt us, poor people? Thought so.

I wish all these radicalised nutjob terrorists would just put down the guns and bombs and pick up the little pens on strings and vote every four or so years when we’re asked. It’s the only way we’ll ever make a change. That has been my Plea for Civility.

We’ve heard of “Too Posh to Wash” but in my home town, it’s more like Too Poor to Pay for Basic Provisions.

I found a unique way to add a bit of “fun” to the bedroom. I get in the bed upside down! It’d be some hoot for my girlfriend to come in and see a pair of feet on the pillow had she not left me years ago for my lack of ambition.

I wanna thank the woman on the bus last Thursday evening for sharing her bag of chips with me. I was starving and felt close to fainting. Oh, I’m sorry, she didn’t even have the basic decency to offer me one. I’m telling you it’s Dog Eat Dog out there not Man Eat Chips.

Have you heard about “Paternity Leave”? Why should my taxes pay for some Johnnie Dodger to get two weeks off to watch cartoons and gawp at his missus’ big tits as she nurses some brat? Whereas I’ve got to work every day like a criminal. My crime? Being repulsive-looking to women.

They say if you do a job you love you’ll never work a day in your life. Well, I broke both my legs when I jumped out the top window of a bus cause the conductor came up the stairs when I was seventeen and I’ve not had to work a day in my life. Where’s that in your sayings?

I was accused of having used bad language at work. I only swear when I’m angry or need an extra second to think of the fucking word.

Isn’t it about time we got HD displays on the Real Time bus display things? I mean it looks like it’s got the resolution on a tamagotchi. Do we really want to paint the image for tourists that we’re Paddy Whacking Paupers?

As a depressive, I find it insulting that cyclists in their Hi-Viz vests value their lives over mine.

Mark my words the next referendum for equality will be for those deviants that dress up as cartoon foxes and wank each other off. I pray I’ll be dead by then.

I’ve more than enough shite to be dealing with than this “politics” crap. Just tell me who to swear fealty to and let me get on with my day.

I wish those YouTubers would realise they could cut out a lot of “ado” if they stopped saying “without further ado” before every single video. Just open the bleeding box.

I think this gym “fad” needs to end. If you really wanna lose weight fast then get on the scales right after a massive shite.

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. But for me, the skyrocketing prices of GP visits keep me far from the medical centre.

I heard that we’ve taken more photos in the last 200 years than in the 200,000 years before that. These fucking millennial should be ashamed of themselves.

If I live until tomorrow it’ll be the longest I’ve ever been alive. And having a scrag feast would give me what I’m missing, a reason to live for tomorrow.

I think Shane Richie should have been the new Doctor Who. And I’m not saying that just cause I’m his agent. I’m saying it as his hungry wife.

Why do they always sell Chicken Kievs in twos when I live alone? Messed up maths madness.

Are you chatting to a Cam Girl or a Scam Girl?

Not a day goes by without news breaking about another poor wanker getting rinsed out of their hard-drawn dole by a scammer masquerading as a sweetheart. They may be able to live with the financial loss, the embarrassment and the degradation but you’ll never come to terms with the heartbreak. To try, as we might, to combat the suffering has compiled this helpful advice:

If she asks if you’d like to pin her down … she might be a Cam Girl
If she asks what your PIN code is … she might be a Scam Girl

If she shows you her boob … she might be a Cam
If she calls you a rube … she might be a Scam Girl

If she says she’ll take off her dress … she might be a Cam Girl
If she asks, repeatedly, for your address … she might be a Scam Girl

If her chat is illicit … she might be a Cam Girl
If her chat is elicit … she might be a Scam Girl

If she wants you erect … she might be a Cam Girl
If she wants your diRECT debit set up … she might be a Scam Girl

If ever asks you to send money just remember the acronym “SNERLY” – She’ll Never Ever Really Love You.

What do YOU do to Feel Special?

With today’s homogenisation and the overarching feeling on earth that our lives are meaningless, it’s very hard for the individual to ever feel truly special. So we sent a reporter to hit the streets and ask “What do YOU do to feel special?”

In restaurants, I like to complain. Most people would accept a base standard for their Big Mac. But I will not. If it looks like a bap filled with green toilet paper then the lackadaisical workers will have to try again and again and again until it passes my test.
Fortuna Brave, Mortgage Specialist

I like to save numbers into my phone with names like “Big Tits”. Any rubber-neckers on the bus will think I’m getting a call from a right knock-out. Little do they know it’s just my bank calling after another missed payment.
Dennis Bhag, Aspiring Bigshot

I like to spill stuff in other people’s houses. I’d never think of doing it at home as my mother would kill me. But as a guest, I love the feeling of willfully knocking over a mug of tea. The guest will never have to clean it up so I’m on cloud nine as I watch the host, get on their knees and mop it up. I feel like a King or Queen.
Jo, gender withheld

I like to find small flaws with women that walk by me and mentally dismiss them from my imaginary bed. Only the best will ever make it and get to bounce with this titan.
Pat Fahey, Bouncing Castle Driver

I like to put myself in debt buying the latest must-have item the internet or co-workers tell me to get. I was very poor growing up and I swore that once I was old enough to have an overdraft I was going to deny myself nothing.
Martina Matonga, Manager of Duty-Free Boutique

When we’re told to turn our phones on silent to not disturb a meeting or performance, I’m the first to take my phone out, only I higher up the ringer to the max. And then it’s all eyes on me when it goes off. I feel just like a rapper at an awards show.
Sam Weisz, Lead Strategist

I like to bring the paper into the bathroom with me. I love when people look at me with sympathy thinking I’m afflicted with constipation. They’ve not a clue I’m knocking out a nut at the young wan on Page 3. Teehee.
Fred Estate, Telephone Pole supervisor

Ugly People’s Opinions on: Sugar Tax

This tax doesn’t just mean we’ll be saving the kiddies’ teeth. But also the lives of the Dentists. It’s a dark truth that their profession are the most likely to top themselves. Here’s to the tooth-smiths living long lives.

At first I was worried that Apprentice UK star Sir Alan Sugar was been taken to task by the Queen’s Revenue. But I was soon relieved that it wasn’t a millionaire getting taxed but the poor that are partial to a sweet drink. I slept soundly that night. Albeit shivering with the cold and riddled with anxiety at my outstanding debts.

I just have to laugh when I think of how sugar tax will affect Cotton Candy. These funfair people have never paid a penny of tax and they ain’t going to start anytime soon. Or has a cow jumped over the moon?

Is no one worried about retaliation from the kids come Hallowe’en time should the sugarful sweets be replaced with tasteless raw carrots? It’s Trick or Treat! And a lot of these kids (mainly those from low income estates) have nothing but an education in destruction. And we just got the windows done!

As a lonely bachelor that lets his dreams get away from him I’m very much on board with this taxation. Living in an apartment complex I am always expecting the hot birds next door to be calling in to “borrow some sugar” which as everyone knows is code for a kiss, a gobble and a wobble. With the price hike I expect more and more stacked and sugar starved stunners to be gracing my front door.

Gossip #2

Our snoopers have been sniffing and sifting to bring you the juiciest pieces of Celebrity Gossip out there. Remember you’ll always hear it first, on the site that’s the worst –

Clint Eastwood
Sources can confirm Craggy Cowboy, Coffin-Dodger Clint has now also forgot how many bullets are in the chamber. And this time it’s not a ploy to put the shits up some punk. Old age is wreaking havoc on his memory. Just don’t forget you’re an amazing actor and father of some talented actor boys.

Will Smith
Fresh from playing the much rubbed lamp’s genie in Aladdin, Will has picked up a few lamp wishes himself. Or should I say has picked up a few lamps from (Asian Wholesaler). Why he hasn’t gone on and played up the Aladdin reference more is lost on your dear reporter.

Usain Bolt
Jamaica’s World’s Fastest man Usain has really drop the ball (baton) on the thorny issue of Steroid Abuse. When a throng of reporters questioned him as he drove out of his Villa home he said “Get out of my Whey”. Tsk tsk tsk! Whey Protein Powder is a much used supplement for athletes and many experts see it as a gateway to the more dangerous and effective anabolic steroids. I feel his gold medals don’t shine so brightly anymore.

Nicole Kidman
Someone might have had a major case of baby brain after giving birth to daughter Sunday Rose Kidman Urban. Yes Sunday Rose was born on a Monday. The estate’s lame response that the name is “inspired” by famous Australian art patron Sunday Reed is a bit like locking the gate after the horse has bolted. You fucked up here Kidman.

Neil Armstrong
As the legend goes it was supposed to be Buzz “Buzzboy” Aldrin as the first gent on the moon but he was Strong Armed by a certain Armstrong. Buzz was duped into checking if his fly was down and once distracted Neil dived out the rocket door and made that garbled speech. Buzz still rues to this day and the fact that with the low gravity on the moon it’s impossible for one’s flies to be down.

Emma Watson
For someone that makes a big show of feminism you will be shocked to learn that Ms Watson doesn’t follow back my sister or my mother on twitter. Two of the key strong women in my life, yet not good enough for Chris Watson’s little girl to click a “follow” button for. As they say, there’s a special spot in hell for bold little girls like you Emma.

Justice – Your View

We’ve asked the public what THEY think of justice, here’s what they had to say that was legible

They say justice is blind yet why do I always get caught sleeping during my court cases?

If we want to clean up the crime on the streets than we have to “clean” up the streets. I’m talking flower boxes, painted barrels and life-affirming graffiti. And better still if we outlaw frowns and moping than these ne’er-do-wells will have no choice but to be positive members of society. And then we all prosper

There’s always justice under my watch. I’m an indie, new rave DJ from 2007-2009 and the hit D.A.N.C.E by the French dance duo Justice is a bankable mainstay of my set.

Our system of justice is based on the foundations laid by Plato. Come on. Why is some dusty-footed faffer in a toga having a say that I can’t park outside a hospital? Can we get a grip here?

When I was eight my bike got stolen. I never got it back. Justice was no where to be seen for forty years. As a result I had no qualms with shooting my neighbour’s barking dog last night

The Judge I had was banging a mallet calling for “order”. I was aghast. I banged my knife and fork on the table in Nando’s waiting for my order once and was quickly told by my date that my behaviour was “out of line”. I’m not asking for much but equality

They say illegally downloading movies is illegal. Well I think Hollywood pretending that life has happy endings is more illegal

When I look up at cranes and rooftops these days and see nothing I’m warmed. No longer are there middle aged men in cheap superhero costumes with banners to see their kids. It worked, the fathers got their justice. No more will kids grow up with out Daddy in their lives. Just goes to show we’re not so bad a species after all. Or the security are extra vigilant for men with spider-man suits trying to get access to the top floors. It’s one or the other

I was at a pub ordering a whisky on the rocks and the bar lass asked did I want a whiskey with justice. I welled up. My grand-father (a drinker) had been shot nine times in Hitler’s war and we’ve never received as much as a “soz” from any serving German Chancellor. It just goes to show that you never should give up hope. My wife then explained that she meant a “whiskey with just ice” as opposed to one with a mixer. I prefer my version of events.