Gossip #1

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Jennifer may love Hewitt but Jennifer also loves chatting to married men about where the sand goes when she’s at the beach.

Galileo Galilei

Galileo might have been adamant that the sun was the centre of the universe. But his bastard son was hardly the centre of his universe. It wasn’t until the lutenist was 13 that he legitimized him. Awkward.

John Wayne

The Duke might have been famous for is slow drawl approach to delivering lines but it’s believed that when he was quick “on the draw” when it came to getting down on one knee. Just ask any of his THREE wives.

Teri Hatcher

The former famous actress is, allegedly, known to many as Teri Hatcher Parking Space Snatcher. Owing to her penchant for gazumping car spaces at shops and cinemas. And do you know the spaces up the front that are only for the disabled? Well Mrs Hatcher acts like she doesn’t know that.

Queen Latifah

Don’t accuse me of treason but as far as this Gossip Girl is aware, Queen Latifah may not be a member or heir to any royal dynasty. She may have many types of glittering golden awards for her music but a gold crown sovereign lineage is not on her shelf.

Tiger Woods

The once great golfer has admitted to a few close friends that he sometimes deliberately hits the ball into the rough so he can take a sly shite.

George Lucas

Mister “I’ve got a bad feeling about this” Lucas was seen by wait staff at a luxurous Hollywood restuarant leaving at half ten. Reports say that he spent a couple of idel minutes looking up at the night sky. Could he be getting new inspiration for more Star Adventures? Here’s hoping.

Maya Angelou

You may know why the caged bird sings but no one for the life of them knows how or why you can sleep still wearing your tights!

Roald Dahl

Sources close to the Estate of the author have said they’ve recently found boxes of unpublished pornograhpic short stories that were promptly burnt by his heirs and the ashes buried to keep the secret shame from coming out. Oops my bad!

Tim McGraw

The country singer might be able to woo the audiences with his songs but he’s allegedly not had as much look keeping schtum about his links to militia groups throughout the frontier. We knew he liked Faith Hill but turns out he has faith in hill-people too.

Cameron Diaz

One of my little birdies has spotted Cam at a soup kitchen. That may seem on brand with the charitable actress but she must have fallen on lean times as she was on the other side of the cauldron of broth.

Plato

The recent Met Gala was noted for the continued absence of receding-haired clever clogs Plato. A man many claim as the father of higher learning still hasn’t found a way of resurrecting his tramp-bearded body. Come on brain-box pull the finger out and support the arts. ∎

Cocaine Christians: The New Face of the Catholic Church

Traditionally cocaine was seen as a party drug. A means for the very wealthy or the very poor to unwind and take edge off. It’s said that clubbers, ravers and people who dance to music use it to aid with their enjoyment of the music. But what if it’s not just for appreciating DJs and their work? What if you could also use it to appreciate God and her work? Well that’s what could might even be happening in a small church in Letterboyle, Co. Athlone.

Letterboyle is how you’d imagine a small picturesque town in the Irish countryside. It’s just like something out of a picture or postcard. If you can imagine that. The fields are green. The sky is blue or grey or black. The roads are a light dark colour. The trees are brown with green on the top. And the sidewalks are a load of wet grass. Green grass. The last place you’d imagine there to be the Cocaine Catholics of Letterboyle.

“The last place you’d imagine there to be the Cocaine Catholics of Letterboyle.”

But this is where this story had led me. On my first meeting with The Priest I was surprised how friendly and energetic he was. We shook hands and he took me into his kitchen where teas and cakes were laid on a small table. We exchanged pleasantries as I sipped and bit. But just as I was getting to the heart of the issue, the cocaine use, he took a turn and almost collapsed from fatigue. I thought he was just a really chill guy so I continued to question him. But there was no response. I’d hit a roadblock in my investigation. And that really got me down. But just as it was looking like I’d have to return to this shithole of a town tomorrow The Priest woke with a bolt. He apologized profusely. He took a sniff of some salts and was back to his jovial best. And we continued.

“So,” I asked “What’s with the blow?” The Priest took a long blink before answering “God talks to me through cocaine. I used to be an alcoholic and then one day after a hard week on the bottle I felt I’d nowhere to go. I felt I couldn’t go on. I wanted to keep drinking but I couldn’t muster the energy. That’s when I found coke. It was what got me back to feeling, not just good, but great. And there was no looking back.” His eyes returned to darting around the room, fondly recalling his past.

“Nobody can take my cocaine from me”

“Wow that’s sick.” I replied “And what does the Pope think?”

“The Pope can go and shite” He barked and held a mean stare at me. “He doesn’t know me and he can’t judge me.” I asked. “Is that the kind of thing you’d say? For a quote?” He nodded back and that was enough for this reporter.

We chatted more. Or he did as I drank cup after cup of teas while his went cold. The more he talked the more I got the idea the impression that this is a really cool dude that really believes in what he says. That doesn’t mean that he is any less of a Priest. And his congregation really like him. They were constantly knocking on the door to give contributions to the Church fund.

We arranged to meet up again the next day. But he never showed up and I couldn’t get through to him. It was fine since I’d already made my word count from the first interview so I was happy that I’d successfully reported the balls off this story. Fuck you dad. ∎

Ten Reason to Fall Back in Love with Fire

One of the most simple and natural curiosities we have is the humble flame. Do let enjoying fire be something only appreciated by young kids and cavemen. Relight that spark.

😘 🔥😘 🔥😘 🔥😘 🔥😘 🔥😘

😘 Burn an unwanted letter or bill. It’s as if it’d never been sent.

🔥 Instead of an egg timer or app try using a piece of petrol soaked string to track time. Cut a suitable length. Light the fuse. And wait.

😘 Burning the edges of a poster can make it look very old-timey. You can make a pirates’ treasure map, an old wizard’s scroll or an inquisitor’s decree that a loved one is  to be put to death slow and painfully.

🔥 Keep busting your teeth taking bites out of raw potatoes? Try heating them on a spit with a little help from our reliable pal: Fire.

😘 Anyone in your work about to get the boot? Set up a little visual scene to let them know: “You are Fired”.

🔥 Sterilize a needle if you need to lance a boil. Watch out for that puss splatter!

😘 Hold a single naked flame in the air at gig to let the band on stage you’re there. Hold two to let them think there’s twice as many fans in attendance.

🔥 It doesn’t have to be your birthday to make a wish. Keep a lighter in your pocket that you can blow out and make wishes whenever you want.

😘 Hard Cases never have a light, be ready with a lighter for their cigarette and you can seem tough and hard too. They might tell you stories from the “inside” or let you buy some of their stolen gear.

Intercrim – Celeb Crime Secrets Revealed

Taylor’s Grift

When I’m at a canteen in the mornings I always hide some rashers under the beans and then just pay for a plate of beans

Long Con Jovi

Write the names of potential sequels (Shrek 5, Hangover 4 etc) and post them to yourself. If they get released bring the sealed and postmarked envelope to the studio and claim plagiarism

Scheme Neeson

I never sign the back of bank cards. It’s never been authorised so I can claim back everything I’ve paid for it with

Trick Jagger

They may say you can’t work and claim your state pension. But no one has ever said that to ol’Mick

Bam’s Bozzle

During Jackass we used to just take loads of Opioid Painkillers before the stunts so the injuries never really hurt

Bruce “The Double Cross Boss” Springsteen

They all thought it was a “fan” I brought up on stage during one of our famous concerts but it was an actress we got from an agency. Our scheme was foiled when she later got the roll of Monica on Friends

Felony Sykes

To ensure I get picked for presenting gigs I gash the tires of the other hopefuls and have them start the day on a bum note. If they do make it in a good mood I threaten them with a stanley knife

The President is Pissing – Exclusive Extract

From the Brand New Thriller by James “Potboiler” Patterson and “Honest” Bill Clinton. Patterson has blasted through 49 books in his young career, he hasn’t had an idea that he hasn’t written a book about. And Sax Master Bill is the husband of Hillary Clinton, 2nd choice USA President, and before that the President himself for 8 long years of carpet bombing and minimum sentencing. Now they’ve set their great minds together to write a thriller full of political espionage, intrigue and small bladders.

The oath I swore when I was inaugurated as President was to do whatever I say fit to protect this Beautiful nation. But at this House Hearing, I felt like I was the only one that cared.

These weak-willed, yellow bellied pencil pusher on The Hill would rather play it safe than take action. “The intel isn’t strong enough” Senator Wizeal had said. The intel isn’t strong? Do they think the great brave men of Bravo Team had just scribbled it on a cocktail napkin and tossed it over to us without a care. Bravo Team fought hard for this intel. They made sacrifices that we, as Americans, will forever be in their debt for, although we will never truly know what the heroes’ names were. But America will be grateful. Because I am grateful. And I am the President of this great nation.

Sen. Wizeal on the other hand treats this country like an old folks’ home. A retirement centre where he doesn’t want to be disturbed. But what’d be worse: a police presence for a few days and some days of being vigilant and alert or to be dead? Call me old fashioned but I don’t wanna die. If my survival and continued pursuit of happiness means killing a handful of jihadis than that’s fine by me.

Sen.Wizeal was running his old mouth, he wanted to keep me here in this bloated Hearing than in the War Room making preparations. But the Senator talked the speed a one fingered man would type. “We can’t shut down the State Fair. Don’t you realise that the State Fair is the lifeblood of the community?” he droned “It’s the best chance many vendors, fry cooks and carnies have of making the lionshare of their income. I can’t allow that to be stopped for anything.”

He doesn’t get it. The honest Joes of the fair would rather take a raincheck than have to go home in many small body bags. But he doesn’t know what I know. Mahmood Al Jazeer doesn’t care about money, incomes or our beloved capitalism. He’d love to bomb a state fair so it’d resemble the rubble and dirt of his shithole country. But this wasn’t on Sen. Wizeal’s Security Clearance and to tell him would be to sacrifice many covert agents. So I had to endure the hot air of his filibuster.

Our hearing had started over three hours ago. By that time I’d drank over two jugs of American still water on top of the pint of milk and quart of OJ I had for breakfast and I was beginning to feel it putting up a fight below my stomach. “Oh please” I thought “Shut your mouth and let us be done with this pointless charade”. But I bit my tongue. It was a shame I wasn’t able to bite anything down below. I considered catching the fleshy lips of my penis in my zipper but forgoed that when I remembered I was circumcised. My bladder was swelling at an alarming rate but I knew more than anyone else here that were I to leave or excuse myself that would been seen by all as a sign of surrender.

But yet Sen. Wizeal continued to prattle on, now he was talking about the many deep fried food he and his constituents would enjoy on the thoroughfare. “Corn dog, delicious fried butter balls, a frozen Dr. Pepper or perhaps some chicken fries.” I couldn’t take it any longer, I’ve shifted and squirmed but there was no turning back the tide and the piss started trickling down my leg. The warmth and moisture dribbling through my suit trousers. I folded my legs in away that sent most of my stream towards the inner corner of the desk. I just let it flow. It was all I could do. Even the President can burst a pipe. But I did it to save this great state. Though no one would ever believe that. I knew I’d need some bigger scandal to avoid my legacy being tarnished as the “Piss Prez”. Maybe I could fuck some reporter.